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07: On Decisions

July 30, 2011

This has become less of a blog and more of a…repository of things. Which I guess is kind of what a blog should be. I think I’m still too attached to the GreatestJournal and Livejournal model of blogging, where it really feels more like a journal that you only shared with a few close friends to keep up with one another’s lives. “Blogging” feels like it should be about something, which is what I tried to do with those last two posts. “Meaningful” posts. Things worth reading because they’re something other than self-indulgent rambling about the confusing lives of young adults. But the sad truth is that I can’t keep that up, as rewarding as it feels, and yes, sometimes I just need to indulge.

And now I’m blogging about blogging, which is also breaking like the first rule in the blogging book.

I’ve spent this summer doing a lot of things. Dealing with incoming freshmen way too early in the morning, spending time with my amazing boyfriend, clumsily learning songs on the piano, struggling to sew a straight line…and I guess there’s what I tried to focus this whole blog on — applying to internships and trying to figure out what to do with my life.

The most important thing that’s come of this summer, I guess, is the culmination of my internship search. Last week I accepted an offer from the Woodrow Wilson Center, and will now officially be a research assistant on two projects that seem to have been made just for me. It’s been a tremendous load off my back to know I have a place to work, even if it’s not the place I thought I’d end up. I feel honored to have this opportunity, and somewhat prideful of the fact that I didn’t need to be interviewed for the position.

In a month, I’ll be gone. My plane ticket’s been bought, and I think that’s the point everything became too real to handle. I don’t know what I expect from DC. A year ago, when I first considered this program, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought “yeah, I’ll go there, and I’ll work there doing something with foreign policy, and I’ll be so amazing I get a job offer, and then I’ll live there after I graduate,” etc. etc.

But I don’t think that’s me anymore, and I don’t exactly know what changed, down the line.

Taking the Foreign Service Officer Test was a big part of it, I think. Sometime Fall semester, I attended a presentation by a Foreign Service Officer, thinking diplomacy was going to be my way out of Michigan. My way away from my family and into a new life where I could make a difference. So I took the test. And I passed. And I chickened out — the way I always do when things get too real to handle. The thought of that life and all that responsibility was too big and too much for me, which is how I’m starting to feel about DC. I don’t want to aim for the top, but I don’t want someone to think that just because I don’t want to aim for the very top, I lack drive and ambition.

I don’t know what I want to do anymore, and maybe being in DC is going to clear that up for me. But right now I just want to be somewhere comfortable where I’m doing good works.

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